It’s a snake? It’s a lizard? It’s a bat?
Dragons: they’re referenced in any realm of pop culture from phallic nicknames to J.K. Rowling lore. They’re as factitious as unicorns (yeah, unicorns don’t exist either), yet we’re led to believe that they’re scary, incendiary, and, well, big in contrast to its fantasy Lisa Frank counterpart.
I can’t help but wonder, is this entirely true? Thanks to mainstream’s interpretation of these creatures, we have these preconceived notions—that in the small chance that fire-breathing dinosaur-like reptiles should ever exist in this lifetime—of the anatomy of a dragon.
According to all-too-reliable Wikipedia, the “unifying feature of almost all interpretations (of a dragon) is it being a serpentine or otherwise reptilian monster (or at least possessing a serpentine/reptilian part or trait), and often possessing magical or spiritual qualities.” This makes for an entire palette of interpretation. If scientists can’t prove this mythological creature’s existence, scientists (or, in this context, the Average Joe) can’t exactly dictate its anatomy or habits. So, I’ve used my creative abilities to interpret these mythical creatures.
First and foremost, they may be carnivorous but they’re not always on the prowl. They’re not fucking lions or tigers or bears (oh my). Because it’s theorized that they’re closely related to reptilians, they sense fear just as snakes. If you’re calm, the dragon’s calm. Remember this, and you’ll be safe from any dragon attack, should you ever encounter one. However, never wake one of them up. If this happens, consider yourself shit out of luck.
Like a Doberman-pinscher, the dragon will be very skeptical of your presence until you’ve proven your harmlessness. A way of pacifying this mythical creature is to slowly blow air into its nose. Just like a Clydesdale, the dragon will get used to your smell and trust you. If you succeed in doing this (and manage to not get your face singed), the dragon will protect and defend you. You might say the beast becomes the bitch.
Now that you’ve tamed this animal and it’s ready for domestication, you need to know how to care for it.
Feeding it: dragons are omnivorous, so you can feed it plants or you can feed it people. Plant a garden and get your shit-list started.
Neutering: moot point (well, almost a moot point)—dragons are asexual. In order to reproduce, dragons slice off a scale from one of their leathery wings, blow fire on it, and you’ve got a dragon egg. So, buy nail clippers.
Maintenance: just like any species in kingdom animalia, dragons poop. There’s no magical way around this. Buy a litter box and a shit load of Lysol.
After a day of playing Frisbee and Monopoly with your beloved dragon, the most rewarding part is putting it to sleep. There are two fundamental things to remember in this process, or else the dragon won’t sleep and neither will you. First, whistle the Harry Potter score composed by John Williams. This will hearken memories of the dragon’s childhood at the Hogwarts colony, putting the creature into a state of total serenity. As the beast begins to purr like a kitten, exhaling small campfire cinders from its nostrils, stroke the back of its neck until it is snoring like a congested puppy.
Dragons are mythical, so why not? If you refute these claims, you’re a dumb-ass.
CS
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